FRANK’S TROUGH N’ BREW OPENS TO MASSIVE FANFARE

CLOSES EARLY BECAUSE IT WAS “JUST TOO MUCH”

There’s a new joint in town, but you’d better not tell all your friends. Frank Golchanski was tired of craft cocktails and speakeasy culture in general. “$28 gin and tonics because it’s dusted with prehistoric hibiscus salt and mixed with pimento and caper bitters? What a crock! My great grandfather ran a real speakeasy during prohibition and he was serving rot gut whiskey that he made in his bathtub. This new trend of hipster bars is out of control!” So he did something about it.

Frank‘s Trough n’ Brew runs on a simple concept: by combining the culinary delights of Golden Corral and serving straight forward, no-nonsense drinks and “traditional” beer. “IPAs taste like donkey ball sweat and I’m tired of living in a world where people pretend otherwise! You can get a boilermaker and a plate full of Swedish meatballs, cheese curds, and baked beans here for $20 and spend a few bucks on the old school jukebox. There’s no smoked ass-fish pâté served in a bubble or ice spheres imported from Svalbard in sight so don’t bother asking!”

Apparently this is something people are clamoring for because the line was out the door on opening day. Frank was so tired of the crowds and the noise by 4pm, he closed the doors saying “I need a nap you bastards! Try again tomorrow, just don’t bring a big crowd with ya!”

~ Randy Pistachio, contributing editor